Emptiness is filling me to the point of agony...

I have been so overwhelmingly sad lately and it fills my entire being until I ache with despair

It's been my birthday weekend, and I want to have fun and make sure everyone else has fun... But really all I wanted to do was curl up in the corner and sob..

I honestly don't know what it is about my birthday that makes me so freaking depressed... I don't care about getting older - I already feel like I'm 40 hah... Maybe it's another year of feeling like I've done nothing, I AM nothing...

I haven't done anything that I was supposed to do last year... I am still stuck in the same rut, doing the same thing and hating myself immensely..

Everyone keeps poking at me to remember the positives... Yes I have an amazing partner who loves me so very much, and I have really good friends that I haven't had in a very long time and it's awesome.... I have a good job (even tho I hate it) that allows me to do a lot of things.... But I don't have the personal fulfillment... I don't feel like I've done anything to be proud of...

I'm still the fat prudish loser with major control issues...

And it's becoming more then I can stand... I just want to close my eyes and fall into an eternal sleep of black nothingness..

And I know what I would tell anyone who told me this, I would tell them to suck it up and fix it... But I guess giving advice is a lost easier then taking it..