Confession

Lately I've been eating a lot of fast/junk food
I am hoping it will cause a heart attack and I will die
I don't have the heart to commit suicide
Because I don't want to disappoint my friends & family....

*sighs*

Romance Genre vs Pornography

So I've had this topic brewing in my mind awhile, and now I think it's time to let it spew all over my blog...

As you may or may not know I am anti-feminist.. I think the whole thing is bullshit, and the majority of women are materialistic drama queens who thrive on double standards..

The latest double standard that has my dander in a dither is how women are constantly nay saying on pornography when they in turn indulge in a frequent mainstream manner with romance novels, movies, and holidays..I am not talking about sex here, I am talking about misguided reality..

A big problem a lot of women have with pornography is that they feel it objectifies women, and puts them in a negative light to remain "cheap" and "disposable"... And some men DO objectify women and put hard achieve expectations on women.. and due to this porn is definitely shunned to the top shelves of magazine racks and behind the paperlined windows of XXX movie stores.. Porn has made boys act like paranoid squirrels hiding their nuts away for winter in secret locations only they know about... And when they grow older they have to deal with women poopooing them about it and saying that they can't watch porn because it makes them feel bad about themselves..

HOWEVER, women throughout the years have been allowed to gorge on all things romance... Feasting on its visual delights and literary wonders... It's perfectly acceptable for women to spend a weepy evening in front of the tv fawning over Meg Ryans fantastic love life... Or to have their nose buried in a book with a big hunky Fabio on the cover and a character who waxes poetic about their lovely lady lips glistening with something resembling morning dew.. and their inner folds resembling that of a delicate flower with a tiny pearl bud and a heaving amble bosom.... These tales of heart heaving romance are proudly displayed mid shelf for all to see, and the novels are in grocery stores, pharmacies and walmart...

But the mass consumption of the romance genre has allowed women to objectify men and place the burden of unrealistic expectations on their lovely shoulders.. Men are expected to be romantic..and offer them flowery prose that makes their heart got pitter pat.. men are expected to step outside their natural instincts to preform like monkey's for their other half in hopes of not pissing her off and getting laid.. And the small gestures that should mean so much are brushed off in a demand for bigger and better..

Some women have come up with just as many unrealistic expectations with their consumption of romance as men have done with their consumption of porn..And yet you don't hear men complaining about their women watching the latest rom com and saying "dammit now I'm going to have to go out and buy flowers and beg for mercy" the way women complain that due to their porn watching their boyfriends a) don't love them enough b) are watching porn because they don't think they're pretty c) don't love them anymore "sniff"

So this is yet another huge double standard that men have to face; and yet another way women like to martyr themselves in the plight for equal rights.. Don't get me wrong, I know there are exceptions to every rule.. I love my other half very much and I love all things romantic too.. But I know the two don't go together.. My other half has his moments of brilliance and they're all the more special because they are all on his own doing.. Yes sometimes I do force unrealistic expectations on him but I realize this and generally apologize for it..

All I want is for women to stop thinking that the men are keeping them down; and realize that the only reason for their own unhappiness is their own life and their own choices.. Yes, shit happens but you have to deal with it, not blame other people for it..

Emptiness is filling me to the point of agony...

I have been so overwhelmingly sad lately and it fills my entire being until I ache with despair

It's been my birthday weekend, and I want to have fun and make sure everyone else has fun... But really all I wanted to do was curl up in the corner and sob..

I honestly don't know what it is about my birthday that makes me so freaking depressed... I don't care about getting older - I already feel like I'm 40 hah... Maybe it's another year of feeling like I've done nothing, I AM nothing...

I haven't done anything that I was supposed to do last year... I am still stuck in the same rut, doing the same thing and hating myself immensely..

Everyone keeps poking at me to remember the positives... Yes I have an amazing partner who loves me so very much, and I have really good friends that I haven't had in a very long time and it's awesome.... I have a good job (even tho I hate it) that allows me to do a lot of things.... But I don't have the personal fulfillment... I don't feel like I've done anything to be proud of...

I'm still the fat prudish loser with major control issues...

And it's becoming more then I can stand... I just want to close my eyes and fall into an eternal sleep of black nothingness..

And I know what I would tell anyone who told me this, I would tell them to suck it up and fix it... But I guess giving advice is a lost easier then taking it..

Why are monsters allowed out of the closet .. and at family dinners

My uncle is a pedophile, and therefore to me a monster... A horrible monster, destroyer of childhood and innocence... Someone who is to me worthy of just being struck dead with no remorse..

I was talking to my mum today about christmas dinner and she informed me that my uncle will be there... When I questioned why she'd allow that monster at her dinner table she just said he was family...

I am baffled as to why my mother - who loves children would allow a real life monster to sit at her dinner table.

I do not understand - both my mother and I have been victims of sexual assult... She knows the trauma that surrounds the entire issue so why oh why is he being allowed to attend?

Why do my family members turn a blind eye to his horribleness ... Why can't they just make him stop coming around... Why do they allow him to be alone with their children... And why is he dating a girl who looks like she's 12

Am I the only one who sees a problem with this, am I the only one who thinks this is NOT okay?

This is why so many pedo's don't get properly sentenced, because no one wants to admit that someone in their family member is a monster... They don't want to accept the horrors that have been committed at the hands of someone..

With this information being shared - I really don't want to be there on Christmas.. The hatred, the blind rage I feel in his presence overwhelms me a lot of the time, and I am afraid of what may happen one of these days..

I do not think i am wrong in my thoughts and feelings on this matter, I just wish there was a easier solution to this problem - like him just dropping dead

And now I let myself go. . .

The saying goes that love is blind...

I guess I didn't realize that body image is blind too.. and how easily we can delude ourselves into thinking that we're okay.... No we haven't gained a pound that shirt just got shrunk in the wash..

I am afraid I have become lackadaisical... and I have let myself go

When I moved to London after breaking up with Ian I shed 50lbs.. A catharsis of sorts... It wasn't a bad relationship but it was a guilty one.. And I was hanging on so tight to that ideal relationship that when I let it go - I felt better inside and out..

And for 3yrs I kept the majority of that 50lbs at bay.. Probably because I was poor and couldn't afford to be any different.. And I walked a lot, and slept little..

Then I met Jon... perfect amazing Jon.. and we became an US.. A big bright shiny US.. And in his eyes I saw me... gorgeous beautiful lovely me...

and slowly, I stopped caring... And tonight I had an epiphany in the shower.. I have stopped washing my face... shaving my legs.. little things i always used to do when I was just a ME.. wanting to become an US.. I have let that US take away the ME... and it's bad.. I should keep the ME who I was before the US... I deserve that hell.. Jon deserves that

Not only have my personal hygine habits halted, so has my caring for what I eat... and how much of it I consume.. Hungry? Order pizza... I have the $$$$$$ now that I am an US I can afford to waste it... I need to remember when I was a ME and had no $ to spare for luxuries like pizza.. and just get off my lazy ass and make dinner

Speaking of lazy... I have let the US take away the ME that was independent and solitary... I don't go for walks as much anymore because I want it to be an US walk and not a ME walk... I need to walk for me.. like I used to..

I need to get off my ass and live for ME as much as I live for US... I need to stop allowing the US bubble suffocate the ME bubble...

I need to make ME better.. happier.. stronger.. poorer... to make US better... happier..stronger.. richer..

It is my Mantra in the next year to resume being a ME as well as an US ... and loose some of that 50lbs.. and say "fuck you" to sedentary life.. and Woohoo..To active life..

I need to live to be ME ...

Let it die.. And stay out of my mind

When I talk to you... I feel like an addict after a relapse..
Shamed guilty.. and just a little raw..
You're like poison to my soul, and yet I miss the initial rush
I wish I could rip your roots out with one vicious pull
And yet the seed of you still grows and festers
Calling me, Haunting me, Hurting me
And now I let it go
and just breathe .. free of you

If I had a dream...

It would be to live in a cottage by the sea.

I think there would be something deeply cathartic about waking up each morning knowing that you can share your feelings with She who is the Sea. With all of her many moods - anger, sorrow, happy, playful... the list is endless. But you know that casting your worries, doubts, as well as pleasures and successes out into that great wide void that they will be heard and considered.

I would revel in the ability to be able to walk along the shores in solitude, as well as with those who are loved. You could picnic, or sit and gaze in the sea. Pick sea shells, play frisbee...

Living in St Andrews By the Sea allowed me the oppertunity to realize what experiences you can get in a sea side village that you just couldn't enjoy in the city. For example, tell me the last time you actually smelled fresh clean air after a good rain rather then air tainted by the city dirt? When was the last time you were captivated by a sky filled with twinkling stars rather then the eerie red glow of light pollution?

One day I will realize my dream *crosses fingers* if not ON the sea... atleast a 5minute walk to the sea.