The saying goes that love is blind...
I guess I didn't realize that body image is blind too.. and how easily we can delude ourselves into thinking that we're okay.... No we haven't gained a pound that shirt just got shrunk in the wash..
I am afraid I have become lackadaisical... and I have let myself go
When I moved to London after breaking up with Ian I shed 50lbs.. A catharsis of sorts... It wasn't a bad relationship but it was a guilty one.. And I was hanging on so tight to that ideal relationship that when I let it go - I felt better inside and out..
And for 3yrs I kept the majority of that 50lbs at bay.. Probably because I was poor and couldn't afford to be any different.. And I walked a lot, and slept little..
Then I met Jon... perfect amazing Jon.. and we became an US.. A big bright shiny US.. And in his eyes I saw me... gorgeous beautiful lovely me...
and slowly, I stopped caring... And tonight I had an epiphany in the shower.. I have stopped washing my face... shaving my legs.. little things i always used to do when I was just a ME.. wanting to become an US.. I have let that US take away the ME... and it's bad.. I should keep the ME who I was before the US... I deserve that hell.. Jon deserves that
Not only have my personal hygine habits halted, so has my caring for what I eat... and how much of it I consume.. Hungry? Order pizza... I have the $$$$$$ now that I am an US I can afford to waste it... I need to remember when I was a ME and had no $ to spare for luxuries like pizza.. and just get off my lazy ass and make dinner
Speaking of lazy... I have let the US take away the ME that was independent and solitary... I don't go for walks as much anymore because I want it to be an US walk and not a ME walk... I need to walk for me.. like I used to..
I need to get off my ass and live for ME as much as I live for US... I need to stop allowing the US bubble suffocate the ME bubble...
I need to make ME better.. happier.. stronger.. poorer... to make US better... happier..stronger.. richer..
It is my Mantra in the next year to resume being a ME as well as an US ... and loose some of that 50lbs.. and say "fuck you" to sedentary life.. and Woohoo..To active life..
I need to live to be ME ...
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2 comments:
You're absolutely right, you can't forget about yourself. If you don't keep yourself healthy in all areas it kind of acts like a domino effect and will effect all other areas of your life. I think you've started to make some great changes for yourself, like your bedroom, creating a dining area. And we'll come help with the bathroom... I'll have D come up when we stop by tomorrow to take a look okay? It's a good place to start. The environment your in effects your life more than you think.
You've warn makeup and looked beautiful, you have been trying more at the gym... remember; don't be so hard on yourself. You are trying, and remember to reward yourself with the positive things you have changed for yourself.
Just remember working on the inside is just as important as the outside. You do write very well, and I think it may be a great outlet for yourself and things that go through your mind.
I once wrote myself a mantra and read it aloud everyday to help myself with my self confidence, and it worked. I'll show it to you next time your over as its in my BOS. I used to draw a lot too when I am/was depressed, it helps being creative. Creative outlets are important, feeding the 'child mind' moves mountains for personal growth. *grin*
You rock Branda Lee! Sometimes it SHOULD be all about you so it can be great for the 'all about us' that you were talking about! You two are a great couple. J rocks!
K, I'm jumping down from my podium now LOL. See ya tomorrow! HuGs!
Oh and furthermore LOL... no seriously... if there is anything I can do to help you be more about the 'me' let me know.
And if I said to much before, sorry but I care to much...
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