And now I let myself go. . .

The saying goes that love is blind...

I guess I didn't realize that body image is blind too.. and how easily we can delude ourselves into thinking that we're okay.... No we haven't gained a pound that shirt just got shrunk in the wash..

I am afraid I have become lackadaisical... and I have let myself go

When I moved to London after breaking up with Ian I shed 50lbs.. A catharsis of sorts... It wasn't a bad relationship but it was a guilty one.. And I was hanging on so tight to that ideal relationship that when I let it go - I felt better inside and out..

And for 3yrs I kept the majority of that 50lbs at bay.. Probably because I was poor and couldn't afford to be any different.. And I walked a lot, and slept little..

Then I met Jon... perfect amazing Jon.. and we became an US.. A big bright shiny US.. And in his eyes I saw me... gorgeous beautiful lovely me...

and slowly, I stopped caring... And tonight I had an epiphany in the shower.. I have stopped washing my face... shaving my legs.. little things i always used to do when I was just a ME.. wanting to become an US.. I have let that US take away the ME... and it's bad.. I should keep the ME who I was before the US... I deserve that hell.. Jon deserves that

Not only have my personal hygine habits halted, so has my caring for what I eat... and how much of it I consume.. Hungry? Order pizza... I have the $$$$$$ now that I am an US I can afford to waste it... I need to remember when I was a ME and had no $ to spare for luxuries like pizza.. and just get off my lazy ass and make dinner

Speaking of lazy... I have let the US take away the ME that was independent and solitary... I don't go for walks as much anymore because I want it to be an US walk and not a ME walk... I need to walk for me.. like I used to..

I need to get off my ass and live for ME as much as I live for US... I need to stop allowing the US bubble suffocate the ME bubble...

I need to make ME better.. happier.. stronger.. poorer... to make US better... happier..stronger.. richer..

It is my Mantra in the next year to resume being a ME as well as an US ... and loose some of that 50lbs.. and say "fuck you" to sedentary life.. and Woohoo..To active life..

I need to live to be ME ...

Let it die.. And stay out of my mind

When I talk to you... I feel like an addict after a relapse..
Shamed guilty.. and just a little raw..
You're like poison to my soul, and yet I miss the initial rush
I wish I could rip your roots out with one vicious pull
And yet the seed of you still grows and festers
Calling me, Haunting me, Hurting me
And now I let it go
and just breathe .. free of you

If I had a dream...

It would be to live in a cottage by the sea.

I think there would be something deeply cathartic about waking up each morning knowing that you can share your feelings with She who is the Sea. With all of her many moods - anger, sorrow, happy, playful... the list is endless. But you know that casting your worries, doubts, as well as pleasures and successes out into that great wide void that they will be heard and considered.

I would revel in the ability to be able to walk along the shores in solitude, as well as with those who are loved. You could picnic, or sit and gaze in the sea. Pick sea shells, play frisbee...

Living in St Andrews By the Sea allowed me the oppertunity to realize what experiences you can get in a sea side village that you just couldn't enjoy in the city. For example, tell me the last time you actually smelled fresh clean air after a good rain rather then air tainted by the city dirt? When was the last time you were captivated by a sky filled with twinkling stars rather then the eerie red glow of light pollution?

One day I will realize my dream *crosses fingers* if not ON the sea... atleast a 5minute walk to the sea.

Redundant scare tactics..As if we don't get it already

So the war on obesity has gotten a new push; "Being fat = Higher Risk of Cancer".

Yes, I know because I am fat I am going to die. But why do we need these redundant message? Do these doctors think that this is going to change anything? Other then to feed this obsession our society has with making everyone skinny and perfect.

Another funny thing about this whole thing is that they're peddling the same message, "If you eat less meat, and more fruits and veggie plus less fatty foods it will help you loose weight". No shit sherlock; please tell me something I don't know. I think EVERYONE knows what they have to do to lose weight - we're all just to freaking lazy to go and do it.

Another thing this does is feed the media more fodder to peddle their diet wares. Magic pills, potions, and powders to hep make you skinny!! Not to mention every diet fad under the sun, no carbs, more carbs blah blah blah.

Let's be honest with ourselves, we all know that everything causes cancer. And you're destined to die at anytime. So instead of panicking the general masses why don't we just focus on being healthy and active. I am not talking about eating almond butter on my toast, or food that is so over the top it takes all the fun out of eating. But just following the fruit and veg guide (yeah I know I don't eat fruit / veg) and walking when you have the opportunity to rather then taking the car. We'd all be better off. You don't need to be a size 0, with 0 body fat, but you do need to be able to walk up a flight of stairs without your heart screaming at you that it wants to die.

So just do what's in your comfort zone, what you're happy with and enjoy life. Because being miserable and stressed every moment of the day is just going to kill you quicker and probably cause cancer ;)